Behind Closed Daws: Chesterfield Report

Grimsby Town 4 Chesterfield 0
20 Sep 2003, Nationwide League Division 2

The Mighty Mariner was eventually spotted, never straying more than a dozen yards from the players’ tunnel. Perhaps the club think that the Main Stand needs special treatment, to whip into a frenzy of apathy using only foam and imagination? The Mighty Mariner is supposed to lead the crowd, not hide. Is it Stuart Campbell inside there? Or perhaps it’s another money saving scheme and part of the new style contracts - the injured players have to take it in turns to provide matchday entertainment. Or maybe it’s Phil Jevons, which would explain why it never went near the Pontoon, the overpaid player’s fear of the goalmouth. Whatever, the Mighty Mariner is a spectral presence these days, almost gone, and almost not forgotten.

There was much interest in the new players, with at least one irregular claiming to be "excited" by the signing of Iffy Onoura. He was easy to spot, but what about Daws? There?, no that’s Cas? There? No that’s Groves. Nope, can’t spot him. He must be injured already. Typical, Groves hang-glides over South Yorkshire and scoops up a couple of broken old codgers.

Town lined up in a 4-4-2 formation, as shown. Onuora was announced by the tannoy as "hurhahhhahahuha", or was he clearing his throat?. Mansaram's pre-match shooting practice dislodged many pies, hats and quiffs in the Pontoon. Oh, so that’s Daws. The one who looks a bit like Groves, who runs a bit like Groves and we’ll soon see which vintage of Groves he plays like. Chateau Grove du Pomp 1994 would be ideal.

At 2:45 a Lancaster flew over the ground, its bomb doors failing to open. Some people clapped this accidental flypast. How very odd. For those completists out there, Daws was number 32, whilst Onuora was number 39. Neither won the half time lottery draw. Now if David Nielsen was the Golden Dude would Onuora be the Golden Oldie Dude. We’ll soon see if this Dude abides.

The tannoy had a second, slightly more successful, go at pronouncing Onuora and the Pontoon drummer returned.

1st half

Chesterfield kicked off towards the Pontoon with a vague thwack towards their huge, enormous, gigantic and also quite large centre forwards, Folan and Evatt. Vague thwacking characterised most of their play, which was, for the most part, monotonously one-dimensional. Ball up, head down. Tiresome, but often effective against Town defences, let alone this Town defence. Chesterfield twice caused problems with hoofs up to the twin towers and Brandon sneaking off the left wing, drifting into the centre and collecting the knock down. After three minutes the offside flag saved Town, after four minutes Davison, with a curious window cleaner’s save, parried the ball just over the bar, following a smacking shot from Brandon, 25 yards out on the centre left. The corner caused a bit of minor Town flappage as the ball dropped, plummeted and generally bobbled around a few yards from goal. Fortunately a Chesterfield player cleared the ball with a swinging volley from about 6 yards out. How nice of them to help the old lady. All Town had to show for five minutes of barging about was a soft Onuora header after a high, drooping cross from Cas.