Have a Cow, Man: Kidderminster Report

Grimsby Town 2 Kidderminster Harriers 1
20 Nov 2004, Coca Cola League 2

A cold, still afternoon in the mumbling mausoleum, with around 61.34 Harrierites harrumphing themselves into a huddle down in the depths of the Osmond Stand. The Town fans poured in to the ground in their ones, energised by the recent success in avoiding victory, or scoring, or passing, or even keeping the same number of players on the pitch as when they started. To lose one striker, Mr Slade, may be regarded as a misfortune, to lose two looks like carelessness.

Town lined up in the unusual 4-4-2, old-slipper formation - as shown. I shall start my essay by describing how the initial selection differed from previous examples and the structure created therein was organised, making use of standard resource allocation techniques pioneered by olive growing collectives in the Algarve. I will then go on to attempt to provide rational explanations for product substitution lines adopted. Finally I shall draw a graph, and where the two lines meet equilibrium is reached everyone is a happy. Whoops, it’s a football report, not a 2,000 word dissertation on microeconomic theories of failing organisations. Easy this one, Bull and McD at full back, Crowe and Pinault in the centre of midfield, Deano Gordono ato lefto midfieldo. The substitutes were the only other registered players who woke up that morning. North is the youth team goal machine - a relative term. Yow! Get on up to the Town first team, he’s a goal machine.

Kidderminster arrived on time, all wore the same red and white kit, and appeared to know each other. Many in Blundell Park were saddened that Frederic Advice-Desruisseax was absent, though perhaps not the tannoy announcer. Daniel Day Lewis was on the bench and the onomatopoeic but experienced Micky Mellon was missing. Ah, but isn’t experience the name every one gives to their mistakes? When they lined up they stood in a vague 4-4-2 formation, but that was just posing for the photographs.

Dish of the Day: Anthony Williams’ aromatic crispy duck. The flagrant flapper indeed. Except it isn’t duck, and not very crispy. Try it with beef in a chilli sauce, and you might not want the beef, or the sauce. Try some vegetables and rice instead. So a healthy duck dish is a julienne carrot with a celery stick. I can’t see too many patrons of the Golden Bridge accepting that when they order a duck starter.

As Doris Day once sang: Where have all the green seats gone?

1st half

The Happy Shoppers kicked off towards the Pontoon, immediately chipping the ball out towards two big blokes on the left; Sestanovich headed out for a throw in. It was a long time before our visitors from the badlands between Birmingham and Wales co-ordinated their knitting patterns to such effect.

Town, all Town, not great Town, just adequate Town. Town, yeah, Town being Town. Kidderminster had a strange game plan, it involved running away from Dean Gordon and pretending Transit Stan didn’t exist. They managed to be headless chickens with their head in the sand; very inventive ineptness, I’m sure you’ll agree. Perhaps it’s modern art. We wouldn’t know about that, but in the sophisticated West Midlands it’s all the rage, I hear. That’s it! that’s the explanation, it’s Shaun Cunnington’s entry in next year’s Turner prize. An interactive mixed media passionless play where the public wander through the separate individual pieces, linked only by a sponsor’s logo.