19/03 Darlington Part 2

Grimsby Town 0 Darlington 1
19 Mar 2005, Coca Cola League 2

Shush...yes, there it is, the pitter-patter of tiny feet. It’s a Town attack involving HRH Prince Sir Macca. Gritton dispossessed a dawdling Darlo in midfield, Pinault caressed the ball forward to Reddy, who mocked his marker with a shimmy and a shave, then tickled the marauding McDermott free. To the bye-line, a cross, Harrold...bundled to the ground before the ball arrived. A bit of horizontal scything and vertical hacking followed, and the Darleys cleared. Can we have a penalty please?

We can hear them now, a coach-load of latecomers, burberry-capping their way to their seats, "Who are you?", more like "Where are you?". Hello, is there anybody out there?

More Mariners moogling and a googling: Reddy zipping down the wing, crossing to the centre of goal. Harrold rising magnificently above the mediocrity to soar skywards, Russell tipping the ball over for a corner. Another and another; corners piling up quicker than a student’s washing. Pinault cuddling a cross to the near post, Reddy swooping and stooping to lash the ball with his quiff; another corner as a yellow chest got in the way. Rampant Town.

Again, down the right, Reddy and McDermott, the Torvill and Dean, the Renee and Renata of football, slashing the Darley nearside tyres. To the bye-line, Methuselah crossed to the near post, Harrold took the executive lift, nodding a foot wide as Russell stroked his own hair. It’s one of those days.

"Get out of the way you preening ponce!" The referee once, twice, thrice intercepted Town passes, acting as their midfield holding player. Gritton furious, for every time he breathed a free kick was given against him. The little things were adding up.

After half an hour Parkinson was replaced by Hockless, presumed injured, not guilty. To the delight of the Hocklistas, Town became more potent. Within a minute of waddling on Hockless was released in the centre, drifted out to the right and smithered a low shot towards the bottom left-hand corner. Russell uncomfortably shovelled the ball away, scooping up the produce afterwards, and placing in the bin provided, thus satisfying local bye-laws. Hockless cross, Hockless pass, Hockless, Hockless, Hockless, a cameo of Hocklicity, his claque happy, the doubters driven to some positive nodding. Lots of oohs, lots of aaahs, the fans roused to an audible volume. This is almost support, general contentment with style and substance. Ooh, nearly Harrold.

With less than 10 minutes left of the half Darlington players entered the Grimsby Town penalty area. I understand that this news was conveyed to the nation by interrupting the netball on Grandstand, or maybe the rugby - you know, some minority sport - with a special newsflash. The Government issued a statement denying that there was any danger to health. Bull tricked, Convery was free out wide at a narrow angle. He saw Williams and saw glory, for he tried an audacious Hoddle-like chip, which the present Town keeper plucked relatively easily from under the bar.

We’re off again, and it’s suddenly clear, the mist has evaporated. We can see the Town cavalry charging into the valley of mirth in all its glory. Pounding on the doors, battering against a thick barrier of upturned carthorses and old oak trees. Crosses a-plenty, chances a-few. Constant pressure, but the nagging feeling that Town just wouldn’t score. Macca shot! Charged down, rebounding to Gritton; charged down again. Harrold! Blocked, Reddy nurdled, Fleming in a girdle, clasped by a pair of yellow pliers. Gritton climbed over Harrold to flick the ball on, free kick given, Gritton apoplectic, Gritton booked. Gritton danced backwards with his backside thrust out, like a latter-day Max Wall. Disco Des he ain’t, thank goodness.

"Luckily there were no strawberry tarts in the boot."
"Harrold plays football as well as being tall."
"I auditioned to be the man who delivered the flat-pack coffin."
"I told you their keeper was good."
"I mis-heard the vicar when he said he was an expert in Swedish geography."