20/03 Hartlepool Part 2

Grimsby Town 0 Hartlepool United 2
20 Mar 2004, Nationwide League Division 2

A Hartlepool free kick on their left belted into the middle, missed by all. Let’s gloss over the two red-eyed meat eaters free at the far post. They missed it too so it doesn’t matter, right? It is alleged, M’lud, that Christopher Bolder, aged 21, attempted to shoot towards the Hartlepool goal. The police didn’t press charges as there was no victim; the advertising board was unaware of the incident.

Another coachload of Hartlepuddle fans arrived and they finally remembered to remind us of previous encounters. They just don’t realise that was another Town, in another era, galaxies and light-years ago. There is no connection between then and now. We’re rubbish now in entirely different ways.

It was so dull; the weather was awful, the time ticked so slowly. Already two balls had disappeared over the top of the stands. Ah, at last something. After about quarter of an hour Coldicott, yet again, won the ball with a terrific figure hugging tackle, sending Armstrong free down the left. About 20 yards out Armstrong ran out of gas and clipped a skimming low cross through the penalty area. The ball perfectly dissected Jevons and the goalkeeper, about 10 yards out.

That was Town’s chance. The high point for the striped crusaders. Those of a delicate nature should stop reading now.

Their goalkeeper did actually touch the ball with his hands in the game. He dropped a cross from Barnard near to where Jevons would have been if he had been. But he wasn’t. From about the 20th minute Hartlepool took over, with Town unable to clear the ball against the increasingly erratic and strong wind. Mostly the Puddlepeople over hit through balls and clearances. Their centre backs, Walker and Nelson, both bullet headed bouncers, looked very wobbly, with a series of miss-kicks and ditherings. Ripe for peeling, they were never tested. Shame really, as there were goals to be had.

They may have had the ball a lot, but they didn’t do much with it. This is so boring, worse than last week. Oh, they nearly scored. After about 25 minutes a deep cross from the ‘Pool left sailed wistfully in to the middle of the Town penalty area. About 10 yards out Danns, or possibly Westwood, or maybe someone else entirely, stooped and headed a few inches past Fettis’s right post. Ooh, that was close, they are still here then. And five minutes later the game ended. As usual, it came from nothing followed by a small mistake. Warhurst stepped forward about 10 yards inside the Town half and slapped a clearance up field. No, not upfield, up in the air. The ball arced up, went over Coldicott and back towards Warhurst, who half stepped forward to deal with it. Coldicott tackled as the ball fell, and it went sideways in to a great big toffee pudding of second division footballers. You know what follows next in these situations. Hartlepool tickled the ball over the top down their inside left channel. The ball bundled on, Boyd bounded after it. Warhurst had his hand up appealing for offside, tutted in disappointment, then ran back in a straight line, parallel with Boyd, who eventually caught up with the ball somewhere near corner of the six yards box. Warhurst moved towards the striker, but BOYD clipped a low shot across Fettis, who parried the ball up and in off the underside of the crossbar, as Young did a triple Lutz with piked twist in attempting to head the ball away.

"The vet was surprised I didn’t feel my cat’s bottom".
"My neighbour’s depressed, but nothing justifies Meatloaf".
"With any luck the wind’ll blow the ground to Kansas".
"It’s only 1-0, that’s a three goal improvement since the autumn".
"So Law wants Lawrence, he’ll be after a Lyons next".